Well, We're married. We've been married now for about 3 weeks and so far, I'm pleasantly surprised by how well this new phase of our relationship is fitting us.
We decided to set some goals for our first few months of marriage and on our walk tonight we talked about how well we feel like we're both doing at meeting those goals.
The Coach's goals:
1. Address me affectionately. (Lizzie, baby, Liz, etc)
He was basically calling me...nothing. He would just walk into a room and ask me something and walk out. He is a man of few words but for some reason his omission of a name or pet name was starting to hurt my feelings. I can't really explain it to you and I couldn't even explain why to him but lucky for me he'll take me at my word and fix any thing that hurts me with or without an explanation.
2. Take more intuitive in planning for us.
Whenever we go out, or go on trips or meet friends for dinner I am always in charge. I make the calls, I plan the budget for the evening, I arrange the directions, and so on. As archaic as this sounds, now that we're married I would like for my husband to take on a more literal role as the dominant partner in this relationship. It will allow me to let go. I know that the Coach is always the protector and I know that when I take things too far, he'll put his foot down in an effort to lead me in a better direction. But this goal will allow him to come out of his comfort zone for growth and it will allow me to relax and be more...pleasant.
3. To communicate with me first, and decide important things together.
While we have been living in sin the last 2 years, we were not married. And now, that we are we know that we really need to make big decisions together. We just bought a car...that was a big one. And while the car is "mine" because I'll be driving it to my new school (yes, I got a teaching job yay!) every day, the Coach is really the purchaser of the car. Both of our names were on the title but he wrote the check. He managed the savings for the car and he bought this car for me, his wife :-) This required a new perspective. We had to buy this car TOGETHER. It required a kind of communication that was new to us.
My goals:
1. Let go of alllll the control...almost.
My husband is a very calm, very responsible man. I wouldn't have married him if he was an incompetent idiot. But "letting go and letting Coach" is new concept for me. My big goal for these first few months is to relax a little. To be a...dare I say it... "submissive wife" and allow the Coach to make some of the decisions for us. I knooooowwww that that "s" word above is making some of you cringe. But bear with me here. I do not mean, to nod and smile as my husband buys a $12,000 TV because "It's what he wants and he's the man." I am not a stepford wife. What I mean by submit is to trust my husband's judgement, to have faith in him so that he can feel more confident. To encourage him and praise him because HE IS WONDERFUL and so often when I take control, I end up belittling him and discouraging him. I am breaking his spirit. That is never the kind of wife I want to be. So, my goal is to do my best to let things go and let him step into a new role, as a leader..
2. Speak more kindly to others.
Nothing bothers my husband more than when I am annoyed by someone I don't know and instead of staying gracious under the pressure of irritation, I give in to the very worst part of myself. I become a sharp tounged, fierce eyed, overly direct, person-eater. I devour even the largest of men with one fateful monologue. And while more often than not, my way of thinking becomes the only way of thinking (I win,) my Husband really dislikes this about me. And honestly, I HATE it about myself. I think there is always something to be said for being tenacious. For not allowing people to walk all over you...but I also think there is a very thin line between that and being a straight up...well, bitch. So my goal is to be more gracious.
3. Count to 10 before I answer questions on our behalf.
My family is full of women. Quick thinking, decision making, fast talking women. And the Coach, who is a calm, even keel, introspective man (much like the Pops-my dad) is often run over by my need to answer and answer quickly, especially when we're talking to someone in my family. So my 3rd goal is to literally, count to 10 anytime someone asks, "us" a question. That would qualify as any question that does not begin with someone specifically saying my name. It will give the Coach an opportunity to speak and it will give me a chance to shut up :-)
These probably sound pretty intense, huh? Or maybe a little silly?
We talked for a long time about these goals. We like to enter into every big change with open hearts and lots of communication. We love plans and structure-yes, both of us, not just me. It prepares us for the chaos that inevitably ensues. And after 3 weeks of marriage I have to tell you, the Coach and I have never felt closer. He is more confident and even sweeter to me than ever before. I am more relaxed and less exhausted every day.
We are finding roles in this marriage that don't restrict us, they do just the opposite. They are freeing us from who we thought we had to be in this relationship. They are allowing us to slowly but surely become better, happier versions of ourselves.
If you're getting married soon, or you are a newlywed like us, or even if you've been married a long time, I would suggest that you take some time this week to sit down and set some goals for yourself with your spouse/significant other. Being self-aware can be a very powerful thing. Embrace it.
I'm glad to be back and I'm glad you're still reading. Thanks for all the sweet emails of support. We miss baby Annabelle every day. But we're all healing.
Love & Peace.
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